How to reconnect with god when you feel shame
From The Series:
Why we feel distant from god
(and ways to reconnect)
Part Four
Everyone Feels Shame
Shame.
We’ve all got it.
Guilt.
We've all got that too.
I've got a group of friends I love to spend time with. They're a collection of accomplished, likable, friendly people. Within the group, there are women, men, parents, and nonparents, varying ages and professions. It’s a mixed bag of artists, accountants, world travelers, a few in powerful positions in their profession, a couple who work for the church or are heavily involved in ministry, and more - it’s a smorgasbord of excellence, appeal, smarts, and charisma.
When I offered a totally professional, high-caliber social survey to them (ahem: “Raise your hand if you’ve felt this…”),
It was unanimous.
100% of these genuinely enjoyable, intelligent, and fun people identified with feeling lowly, rejected, or unlovable at some point.
Even the “in” people, the lovely people, and those who have it together, struggle with negative feelings about themselves and their place in the world sometimes.
Everybody feels junky about themselves sometimes.
The “Not Good Enough” ChaCha waits nearby, ready to dance over all of us.
Feeling bad about yourself is a part of being human.
(So is feeling like you’re awesome and nobody can do things as well as you… but that’s for another post, isn't it then?)
Research says we all feel like we’re not good enough at times
Anybody, at any time, can catch a case of Not-Good-Enough-itis.
One reason Brene Brown made such a splash with her now-famous TedTalk about shame and vulnerability, was the universality of it.
Shame is part of our human experience. It’s normal.
There's nothing unique or particularly broken about wanting to hide yourself.
Isn’t that comforting!?
Some of the negative feelings about self are earned. Like the time I put Elmer’s glue on my cats when I was 5. I’m still trying to make up for that wrongdoing to all of Cat-dom with unsolicited pats, snuggles and “Aren’t you a beautycat? Who’s a beautycat? You’re a beautycat!”
There are some mistakes you can't undo.
Unworthiness can also feel intrinsic. Being “bad” or less valuable than others can seem like part of your identity- A heartbreaking commonality for people who grew up in a neglectful or abusive home.
Shame can also come in waves. Some of our feelings are based on performance, how other people view us, or whether we’re putting our energy and attention into something considered “good.” For example, I haven’t spent time with God in a while. I know I should. The instinct to cover ourselves takes over. And we spend even more time away from God, shielding both Him and ourselves from our failings.
In our broken world, we feel the effects of the light and the dark.
With practice, mindfulness, healing, and studying God's beautiful descriptions of His unyielding love for us, we can feel less shame and manage it when it pops up.
But really, we're in it for the long haul with shame.
It'll always be that annoying upstairs neighbor who stops around in high heels at 2 am. A rude and imposing party crasher to our peace.
A Sense Of Justice Gone Awry
Many of us have an innate need to face the consequences when we’ve fallen short of expectations.
That's a good thing though!
It's just.
And the Lord loves him some justice. So much, that He tells us to seek justice and love mercy. Micah 6:8.
It's one way we can do right by others and play fair as a society.
It's one of His virtues and one he wants his children to prominently behold.
But…we, and the world we live in, aren't purely good yet.
So, the good stuff (like pursuing justice) often gets twisted.
That's why we take the desire for justice and turn it into a need for punishment.
And if you're a good-hearted person who's trying to “do right,” this is especially true of how you handle your own missteps.
We can bulldoze over mercy and compassion in our righteous battle to do good and be good.
God’s grace and forgiveness is fine and all, but we still feel a need to pay the piper. There must be a consequence for wrongs. A lesson to be learned, right?
And God, if you’re going to just forgive me, then I’ll be the responsible one and I’ll ensure that I experience difficulty– or at the very least, feel the burden of it— with shame, guilt, and regret.
This is coming from a good place.
But, gosh. Look at that prison we create for ourselves!
Feeling crappy is normal. But it pulls us away from the Lord.
Because of Jesus, we are forgiven for all past, present, and future sins. We're reconciled and reconnected to the Lord.
(I'll pause with you here to have a moment to sigh “Thank You, thank You, Jesus” here).
Pain and wrongdoing aren't a part of His design.
So, when we screw up, we practice contrition, accountability, and communication with the Lord and with others to make things right.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9.
And still, there are nearly always consequences for our actions- even if we’re sorry and have made efforts to reconcile.
But once we've experienced remorse, taken responsibility, and sought forgiveness, God doesn’t want us feeling tied to the wrong.
When we're weighted by guilt, there's a disconnect with Him.
And that’s the LAST THING HE WANTS.
He wants us to experience joy and laughter.
He wants us to know we’re in harmony and “on the same side” as Him.
“Where the spirit of the lord is, there is freedom!” 2 Corinthians 3:17
FREEDOM!
FREE
Untethered
Untied
Unbound!
God wants us to take cover in His absolute acceptance and love.
The yucky feelings that keep us from Him aren’t Him at all.
Our emotions come in waves
God wants to be in communion with you. He wants to be near you.
He wants your trust, love, and intimacy.
He treasures the relationship you two have.
And like the best friend you’ve always wanted, He wants to walk with you through the sludge. Not say, “Ooh… you’re dirty, I’ll pass.”
In this world, humanity and shame go hand in hand.
So if shame is in it with us for the long haul, we can’t let it boss us around and keep us hiding.
Especially since our thoughts and emotions come in waves.
Within one minute, we can boomerang from feeling pleased with ourselves to feeling like a failure.
And these thoughts can come out of nowhere. Sometimes with reasons, sometimes with none.
You had breakfast, you feel great.
You skipped lunch, you feel stupid.
The weather is sunny, the weather is chilly.
Someone said you did a great job, a poor job, or you should leave your job.
There are so many factors that influence our thoughts throughout the day.
And that’s 100% normal too!
But we can’t let anything lead us away from being close to the Lord.
Even our bad beliefs about ourselves.
Instead of allowing emotions to dictate whether we need to hide from God or be comfortably close to
Him on any given day, we have to let God set the rules.
God’s Rule: Nothing can separate you from His love (Romans 8:38-39).
God says that you are loved.
You are forgiven (always, every time, even repeat offenses– 70 times 7…times 7…times 7…and on..).
He wants to BE WITH YOU.
Your screwups and tantrums don’t have degrees of badness that keep you from Him, or keep you close but only so close to Him.
God’s not a mean girl who makes you work for His love.
Feeling confident and loved can change minute by minute. So let Him make the choice of whether or not you two should be close, not your junky self-criticism.
His arms are WIDE OPEN for you- always.
God’s rule: He loves you. You’re forgiven. Go to Him.
Bring This To Life In You:
The Takeaway:
God still wants to be close to you even if you feel bad about yourself.
Scripture:
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Prayer:
Lord, please forgive me for my shortcomings. And please tell me if there’s anything I need to do to make things right. Give me the confidence and trust that I need to come to You, even when I feel I’m not good enough for You.
Action Step:
Go on a Scripture scavenger hunt. Fill yourself with some scripture on God’s forgiveness and unconditional love for you. Put that truth in your mind and heart and it will become more of a foundation in you.
Bonus:
Acceptance Commitment Therapy is an innovative, research-backed approach to living well amidst a talkative mind. Here’s a book to get you started: The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris
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