Battling Self-Reliance: How to Reconnect with God When Independence Pulls You Away
From The Series:
Why we feel distant from god
(and ways to reconnect)
Part Two
**This post is part two of the series “Why We Feel Distant From God (And Ways To Reconnect).”
This theme was inspired by readers of Make It Joy who responded to the question,
“What makes you feel disconnected from God?”
We’ll explore the top responses and offer insights and encouragement to help you find your way back into a close, connected relationship with God.
Per the questionnaire, the most common reasons we feel distanced from God are:
The Busyness of Life
Doubts and Unanswered Questions
Church Hurt and Christian Culture
Our Independence and Self-Reliance
Shame and Guilt
Struggles with Hearing God’s Voice and Direction
Challenges with Scripture
**Wanna take the questionnaire? It’s fast, private, and helps me better understand how I can help you.
This Is My Take On Independence and Self-Reliance
Lord,
I’m sorry.
I’ve pulled away.
I keep going back to me.
I know You want me to come to You and surrender to You.
“Follow me” comes to mind.
“ As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, ‘Follow me.’ And he rose and followed him.” Matthew 9:9
That’s such a straightforward command. A simple, beautiful invitation.
(One that probably has much more depth and freedom than I can ever realize).
Since my young Sunday School days, I’ve mostly taken “follow me” to mean
“Choose to believe and walk in my ways.”
Kinda the gist of the Christian life- choose God.
Like all Scripture, I’m sure there’s more to it.
I wonder if there’s some power in it for me today, Lord.
Help me out, God.
The Pull of Self-Reliance
I feel so pulled by ME.
My independence. My self-reliance. My wants and needs. My list of to-dos and chores. My dreams. My aggravations. My schedule. My preferences. My strengths. My grit.
It’s like a magnet.
Looking to myself —for myself— is a forceful, instinctive pull.
It seems like it’s my default setting.
Run to You, be lifted up, comforted and boosted by You.
Then comes the factory setting: Return to self
“I’ve got it from here, God!”
I’m not actively choosing it. It seems to just….happen.
That “factory setting” is like an automatic reset— I default to ME.
Sometimes it’s easier to resist. Sometimes it doesn’t call as loudly.
When I’m broken and desperate, afraid… guess who I’m running to.
Well, you know, it’s YOU, God. It was You three weeks ago when I was desperate and panicked. And you covered me.
You’re safe to me. You’re my shelter. You protect me.
Then I drift.
Whether I find safety or just get used to the circumstances and pain, things eventually become normal again.
Then I go back to my normal fallback— me.
My normal is my eyes and ears. My perception and the value and demands of what I see, hear and and experience. My sight becomes filled with what I have to do, the people I need to care for, the time I need to protect or give.
I’m back to being the showrunner of my own life— and those under my care or leadership.
Grace for the “Me”-ness of Life
I know some of the “me”-centric perspective has got to be okay.
In this life, there’s still some separation from You, Lord.
You’re with me all the time, I know. But you’re not overtly here in my living room, physically sitting on my couch, audibly laughing and talking with me as a visible, undeniable being.
I connect with You and I see You– but it’s largely through spiritual eyes.
I can sense You. I can feel Your presence. I can discern Your voice and promptings. Read things You’ve said and done. Talk with You. You’re always available to my spirit.
But still.
I’m always in my face. I’m always evident. I can here my voice and follow my own direction, and be active in my life and my family’s any time, any day.
I don’t always feel that with You. I’ve got to rely on faith, trust, belief.
It’s tough not to feel the pull to my own strength.
I want to be with You. But it’s hard when You’re not obviously present every moment.
It’s hard that You’re not (physically) here.
I’m here. My life is here. My duties and desires are here. And I can see them and feel their weight.
And I want to be kind to myself about that, just like I think You’re being kind to me about it.
I believe You want me to have joy, friendships, hobbies, meaningful work, travel and so many wonderful things that get my attention in this lifetime. It’s a gift! And thank you so much for it.
So, while I want to stay on Your shore and never drift out to sea, I need to concede that this lifetime is not our ultimate union with You.
You’re with us. And gosh, I’m so so grateful for the Holy Spirit and Your availability and presence, and when I see You in nature, feel Your comfort or guidance, internally feel Your good humor at something silly I’ve done—I love, love, love that!
But there’s still some separation.
I guess it’s best to acknowledge it—not pretend that if I do enough, stay close enough to You, live intentionally with You at my center, I can be fully united with You now.
No. That’s not this world.
(**That feels really heartbreaking to write. Painful— but it stirs something in me.
It’s like a long-distnace romance.
Like two people who are in passionately in love, but are across the world from each other. They write letters, call, message each other, fly to see one another. But they aren’t fully together, living in the same home yet. And it’s heartwrenching, lonely, beautiful, and driven by their longing for one another.
Oh… wow. How powerful! I love this image.
I guess that’s us, God. We’ll just find our ways to be together as often and as well as we can. But still, we’re apart. Until we’re living in the same home.)
So maybe I need to be fully accepting of my returns to you.
The practice of returning to you– noticing the drift, then coming back to the shore.
And understand that returning again and again to you is part of following You.
(minus the self-flagellation)
Let’s put a hold on that thought…it’s worth chewing on.
so many things keep me loyal to myself
Lord, you know I struggle a lot with needing to see effort and work put into my life and those I care about.
I know when my hands are on my life. I know when I’m doing things to try and make my life better.
It’s not always so clear with you.
Sometimes it seems like You’re not doing anything at all (which You know is unbearably painful). Or You’re waiting for Your timing, whatever the heck that means.
But I know when I’m actively working on my life.
And it feels good to know there’s some kind of effort there.
With you, I just have to have faith- without seeing anything sometimes- and trust that You care as much as I do.
God! That is hard!
Your “invisible” spiritual essence, rather than Your physical presence, makes it harder to stick with You than default to me. It’s a habit. It’s fear. And I have more control when I know I'm the one “doing.”
And another thing!
It was easier to not have a “ME” default before I had kids and had to do adult things.
Things like make money, pay bills, buy a home, clean a home, repair a home, feed my children three times a day in this home, put my children to bed at 7 while teaching them to be patient, follow directions, learn to have good hygiene and brush their teeth and wash their filthy backyard bodies and read them a story about Pete The Cat every night in this home.
That’s a lot. And it’s every day.
When I was younger, I didn’t have much responsibility.
I had to go to school, learn to be a good person, and clean my room– sometimes.
But with adulthood, I’m overloaded with things I have to do.
So much in my life is dependent on me being responsible, being productive, and making good decisions.
It’s a lot of frickin’ pressure, Lord. I know you know that. And it never ends.
I mean… I see why I struggle with independence.
If I drop any of the balls, there are significant fallouts.
If I get too relaxed or go with the flow and don’t make a house payment, my family loses their home. They (and I) need to be able to count on me so this doesn’t happen.
There are real consequences to not being independent, self-reliant, focused, and responsible.
But I think you’ve got something to say about this “follow me” thing regarding all of this. The independence from You, the drifting, the doing life so hard that I know I have to count on me, the continual returning to you.
Will you give me some insight here, Lord?
God, What do you mean by “follow me?”
Lord, I feel so much kindness from You right now. It feels like You are pouring gentleness and love over my heart as You offer direction.
I sense that I don't have it right.
And with that, You are present with me, lovingly walking with me as we walk in the direction of Your way.
So, I don't feel at all like You’re taking me to the destination today.
But I that You are lovingly meeting me on the path– on the way toward YOU and toward surrender.
Here’s my clarity for today on this pull of independence:
You, God, are lovingly with me, guiding me in the direction of YOU.
My role is to look to You.
Keep looking to You.
Return my eyes to You when I wander.
I’ve got a Wizard of Oz visual in my mind. “Follow the yellow brick road.”
The characters in the story walked a long, golden road to reach the Great Oz (the boss of their universe).
They got distracted, turned around, thrown off, and were tempted to quit. Yet they always returned to the yellow brick road and followed it. It was their compass.
That’s my imperfect way of following You.
Stay on Your yellow brick road.
Walk the long path toward You, interruptions, mistakes, turnarounds and all.
Keep coming back to the road when I’ve stepped off.
That’s how I follow You.
When I look for the golden road, seek You, and walk toward You, there’s less of me in my sight.
I’m not pulled by me.
My “ME” default is replaced by watching the path.
And when I lose my footing or decide to make my own trail, I’ve got to slow down and look down at my feet.
What color are those bricks?
Whose way am I following?
And choose again to follow YOU.
Bring this to life in YOU
Scripture:
Matthew 9:9
“As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, ‘Follow me.’ And he rose and followed him.”
Prayer:
“God, I’m sorry I have chosen me over You. Please forgive me. I will follow YOU. Show me the way. Amen.”
Action Step:
This blog reminded me of a scene from The Chosen. While Jesus was finding His disciples, He said to them, “Follow me.” This is a great moment when He calls Matthew to join Him. Give it a watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87JIUxqTMLk
Bonus:
I think The Chosen is wonderfully done and shows so much humanity, humor and power. I’ve been able to make more sense of the tone of The New Testament because of it.
Here’s where you can watch it for free: Watch The Chosen