Meditation For Beginners
Okay, I’m gonna meditate.
Sit down and close my eyes. Just relax and let my mind chill out.
Totally.
This’ll be awesome.
(Sits in wooden chair and closes eyes.)
Wait.
I need to make this comfortable.
Okay, I’m gonna go into my bedroom and sit on my bed.
(Goes to bedroom. Sits on bed. Closes eyes.)
Yeah, that’s comfy. Good thinking, Me. Niiiice. This is a good spot, yeah.
Mediation Time, here I come.
(Closes eyes. Silence.)
This bed is really soft though. I’m kinda sinking into it.
Maybe I’ll lie down and meditate.
Is that allowed?
I don’t know.
(Googles “Is meditation lying down allowed?”)
I’ll sit on the floor beside the bed.
Upright.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
I’m doing so great.
(Grabs a pillow. Sits on the pillow on the floor beside the bed. Silence.)
There’s that sock!
I’ve been looking for you, Mister. What are you doing under the bed? Into the laundry bin you go, sir.
(Stands up. Puts sock in laundry bin.)
Aye… full basket, huh?
Alright. I’m just gonna take you to the laundry room for now.
No. No, no, I’m not going to wash you now.
I’m meditating.
(Takes laundry basket to laundry room.)
My gosh!
I forgot about you guys!
Wet clothes in the washer from yesterday morning?
Whoops.
Okay, gonna rewash you and set an alarm this time so I don’t forget about you.
(Puts detergent in the washing machine and presses start. Sets alarm.)
Okay, back to meditating.
(Goes back to the bedroom and sits on the pillow beside the bed. Closes eyes.)
Okay.
Mediate.
Meditate…
Med…i….tate…
(Silence.)
Man, I’m uncomfortable. Who could meditate like this?!
.Google said it’s fine to lie down on the bed.
(Climbs onto bed. Lies down with head on pillow.)
Alright.
Meditate.
Meditate…
Med..i…tate…..
(Silence.)
Nothing’s happening.
Breathe in.
Breathe out
(Breathes in. Breathes out.)
Is my alarm on silent? I can’t miss that laundry again. How’d that even happen? So not like me.
(Grabs phone and checks alarm settings. Adjusts volume on alarm.)
Nice. okay. Won’t miss it this time.
Now, where was I?
Oh, right.
Meditate.
Meditate….
Med..i…tate
(Silence.)
Am I breathing?
I don’t think I’m breathing.
I gotta breathe. That’s totally a mediation thing.
Can’t believe I forgot that.
Silly me.
(Laughs at silly self.)
Ahhhh….
Breathe in, breathe out.
(Breathes in, Breathes out.)
Do it again. Breathe in.
(Breathes in.)
Breathe out.
(Breathes out.)
Meditate.
(Silence.)
Hmm…nothing’s still happening!
(Closes eyes hard.)
Med.
I.
Tate.
I’m meditating. Why isn’t this working?
(Opens one eye suspiciously. Opens both eyes, confused.)
Hummph.
(Scratches head.)
Oh, an affirmation will help.
Yea-ussss! Good job, me.
(Closes eyes.)
Meditate. Meditate. Med…i…tate…..
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Affirmation.
(Silence.)
Affirmation.
(Silence.)
What’s a good affirmation?
(Silence.)
“I am good.”
“I am meditating”
“I’m a good meditator”
Humph.
(Silence.)
What would Sting do?
Ah! Yes.
Fields of Gold.
See golden fields of flowers. That’s a picture affirmation. Yeah. Look at all the pretty yellow flowers.
Awesome job. Thank you, Sting.
(Closes eyes. Breathes in. Breathes out.)
Meditate.
Meditate.
Med…i…tate…
Focus on the flowers….
Fields of gold…
Sting….
Geez, I love that song.
He’s so good, I’m such a fan.
Who’s he with? Is it Truvy? Trudie? What’s her name?
They seem like a cool couple.
I think they meditate together.
Oh! Back to the fields.
Mediate.
Med….i…tate..
(Silence.)
I wish I could see the fields of gold. Where’d he see the field? Was it in America or in England? He’s English, right? I mean, he sings that song about being an Englishman in New York… I think it’s called Englishman in New York.
I bet those fields are over in England.
(Silence.)
Meditate.
I wish my yard was a field of gold. Gah, I’ve got to pull some weeds.
(Silence.)
If I’m going to pull weeds, it’s gonna have to be at 5 a.m. It’s so frickin’ hot outside.
(Silence.)
My hair cannot handle this humidity. Ugh, I need to call the salon and see if they’ve got anything that fights the humidity during summer. A serum or something. I’m sure it’ll be like fifty bucks though. They totally overcharge because it’s organic.
(Silence.)
Breathe in. Breathe out.
(Breathes in. Breathes out.)
But that’s really what capitalism is. I can’t blame them for finding something that works and trying to make a living.
Plus, they’re trying to be sustainable. Gotta love that. I mean, we’re all just trying to make it and do our best, right? Totally.
(Silence.)
Okay, back to it.
Meditate.
Meditate.
Med…i…tate….
I’m breathing in….
I’m breathing out…..
I’m thinking of Sting…. And Toolie…. Oh, what’s her name?
(Breathes in and out. Thinks of “Toolie.”)
Meditate.
How long do I need to do this?
It’s been like twenty minutes.
That seems like a long time.
Wait, that is a long time! Most people only meditate for 5 or 10 minutes a day… IF that.
I’ve really done great.
Twenty frickin’ minutes. That’s crazy long.
Okay, just another few minutes then I’ll check “meditate” off the list.
(Silence.)
Okay, Self, relax.
Close your eyes
(Relaxes. Closes eyes.)
Breathe in…..
Breathe out….
Breathe… In…
Breathe….out…
(Breathes in. Breathes out.)
This is so relaxing.
I’m really good at meditating.
(Breathes in. Breathes out.)
Breathe…in…
Breathe…out…
Meditate.
Meditate.
Med…i….Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
(Snores.)
